This is going to be the first post in many to come. Like many, I find myself on OkCupid. This should come as no surprise since everyone and their divorced mother seem to be on there. In the amount of time I’ve been on there I’ve made some great friends, dated some fantastic people, and every once in awhile have had a phenomenal conversation that has left my mind teeming. I’ve also managed to accumulate some fantastic stories that take the cake for awkward, strange, confusing, and creepy. Some of those stories may be construed as the potential horror story about why one should never meet people off the internet.
Recently, I reactivated my account out of sheer curiosity. I’ve definitely spent more time people watching on there than actually messaging anyone. A few weeks ago however, someone piqued my interest. The profile read flawlessly and made me laugh all the way through. Every section in his profile warmed my heart and made me shake with excitement.
In my head I thought:
"Yes, this person seems to be really conscious and aware of himself and the world around him."
"Ah, he too relates to Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton"
"Oh, he owns dogs, well I like dogs"
"Finally, someone who dislikes small talk nearly as much as I do and doesn’t seems to take themselves too seriously."
All right, in all seriousness all of this mattered to me a great deal, but the fact that he was a fox kind of sweetened the deal. This person appeared perfect on paper and perfect in a 2 dimensional JPEG. Usually, I’m weary of anyone with more than a ten year age difference, but this time I couldn’t help myself. So I did what any person would do and I messaged him. What followed was a series of phenomenal conversations.
It all began with an excellent discussion about Be Here Now by Baba Ram Das and the importance of living in the present and control being an illusion. This conversation solidified my desire to continue talking to this human being. That night we had a phone conversation till about 3am. I rarely talk on the phone till the bewitching hours of the night. At that point it became evident that we needed to meet each other. We made a date for Wednesday of that week.
On Wednesday as I got out of my car he got there at the same time, we locked eyes and recognized one another immediately. He hugged me hello, and something about the way he smelled made my heart race. Oh, pheromonal compatibility… Suffice it to say the date went swimmingly and ended with me waking up the next morning with a hickey on my neck (haven’t had one of those since high school) All of the above sounds exciting, promising, and amazing. Maybe it was the combination of attraction and the fact that he seemed unbelievably perfect on paper that made me turn a blind eye to the plethora of red flags that were accumulating. He did say he was a late bloomer. Who isn’t? He has issues with his parents. Who doesn’t? For a long time he had trouble detaching sex from love. Okay, he’s sensitive. He hasn’t spoken to his aunt in two years because of a remark she made regarding one of his facebook posts…
The last one should have been a sign of what was to come. I didn’t give the latter much thought. Honestly, I was too busy thinking about picking away at his brain some more and potentially getting cozy under the kippers so to speak. For the rest of the week we continued chitchatting via text and on the phone. I was definitely starting to tread into smitten waters. We made a date for late Sunday afternoon. I came over to his beautiful, beachfront house and met his adorable dogs. We took a walk through the beach town and the nature reserves with his dogs and he told me all about the history of the community. He was a very loving and doting pet owner which I found to be really endearing.
A few hours later we got back into the house and something seemed off. The house itself was beautiful but everything inside seemed like a relic from a forgotten time. Very little care was put into the upkeep and maintenance of the house. It was getting dark, but the lights remained off. He gave me a tour of the house starting with the down stairs. “Here’s the kitchen, here’s the staircase, and here’s a room no one is allowed into.” I felt like I was on a date with the Beast. I pressed further, the room having piqued my curiosity. He informed me that it was once his mother’s Christmas room and that no one was allowed in there and it hasn’t been used in three years. Great, I was on a date with Norman Bates. All of the above still wasn’t enough to stop me from going upstairs with him. The upstairs appeared more like a one bedroom apartment and it became evident that this was the space he enjoyed occupying in the house. I felt like I had stepped into a college dorm, not the home of a man in his mid thirties. Everything was cluttered. He had an archive of dvds, cds, and books which I found to be exciting. What I thought was strange was the unpacked cardboard boxes scattered all over the floor. “Maybe this is where he hides the bodies” I thought, and tried not to giggle to myself. Still very much attracted to him, I closed a blind eye to all of the above and proceeded to his bedroom. The bed had mismatched sheets and a shiny gold comforter. None of this phased me as we tumbled down. Intercourse felt less intimate and was more like training for a marathon. I felt like I was having sex with a power tool not a human being. This went one for about two hours and he broke an intense sweat. Something about him made me feel like he was really wounded and lonely. It made me want to stay and get to know him. It seemed as though he had something he was trying to prove. I suppose I appreciated the effort enough to want to continue spending time with him. I wanted to see if he could get comfortable and relax enough to have the natural flow we seemed to have developed over the course of the last week.
He heated up dinner for both of us and we sat down together, playing footsie, and holding hands. It was during our casual dinner conversation that I caught ear of the next two major red flags. First, he told me about his mother and her fiance. His mother moved away three years ago to live with her fiance and left him the house. He told me that he doesn’t fancy his mother’s fiance because of an incident that occurred three years ago when he first met him. He left work and had his mother and her fiance dogsit for him. Upon coming back to the house no one was home, including the dogs. When his mother and fiance came back they explained that they took the dogs for a walk. To this day he has not spoken to his mother’s fiance and has not seen his mother because the fiance has not apologized for taking his dogs out for a walk with out his permission. Three years have passed and he’s still waiting for his mother’s fiance to apologize for the incident. This grudge perplexed me and made me think about the Oedipal Complex. The second story took place at a gas station where he was pumping gas, recently. He had seventy cents left on his pump and went inside to ask for his change. The cashier responded by saying that there was no change left on his pump. The Beast continued arguing and the store manager had to be called to sort out the matter. All the while, during this commotion a line was starting to form. Someone behind him confronted him about wanting his seventy cents back, and that it was a silly reason to hold up a line. The Beast has been ruminating over this gas station incident for over a week, telling me it was the principle of the matter. Most people probably would have given him three quarters, told him to keep the change, and moved on.
Our interaction did no improve, I started getting very self conscious of my word choices and potentially offending this person. We decided to watch a movie. It was my choice. He let me go through his massive book shelf full of DvDs. In the process of perusing the archive I found a shelf full of porn. Anything and everything open to the public eye. I’ve never seen such an extensive porn collection. He told me that he once worked at Virgin and when the store was closing they were giving all of the employees free DvDs. Clearly this was logical. Every person’s first thought is “Oh. free movies I’m going to expand my porn collection.” He still owns and watches VHS tapes, has a television that’s 20 years old but watches films multiple times a day, every day, and told me about his aversion to technology and refusing to do anything digitally. I thought that was odd given that he’s on an ONLINE DATING SITE.
After the movie we went down the wikipedia k-hole. First looking up Edward Norton, then Ghost Busters 3, and ended our reading with Rick Moranis. It became abundantly clear that I needed to get going home, he seemed confused disappointed. I left the beast that night inside his castle on a hill as a I drove off, driving down the winding canyon road back to my own reality.